Monday, November 17, 2003
Yes finding Daddy?? To find him anot? To call him anot?? These are questions that have been bothering me for the past one week since I came back to Singapore from KL.
I've not seen him for near to two months. I've not heard from him too. How is he doing and is his health ok? I don't know. Nobody in the family bothers to know. He is the outcast of the family, the betrayal of all, the disappointment to many, that includes me as well. To realised and accept the fact that the family is minus one member now is a great hurt to me. Though so many things happened recently, the images of the video and photographs are still replaying within my mind, I am still not able to accept reality.
Is this what life and family supposed to be? Pondering still - to call him anot?? What will I tell him if I call him now? "Are you doing fine?", "How's your health?", "Where are you staying now?", "Found a job already?" ... all these are things I want to know. My mom has already signed the divorce agreement. She showed me the copy of the letter that she asked the lawyer to send to my father. I read and I'm silent. No comments. Tired and speechless. No more persuasion. It's between the two of them. I wish that there's no more intervention. Both have betrayed one another's trust before. Both have let the children down before. Both have caused hurts in the children's lives before. So what's there to defend. It's between them both.
Concerns, regrets and emotion burdens. They tie me down. I wish, I wish and I wish. I wish that God will simply take me back so that I can be freed from all these worries and problems. But no way I can run from these. Cos it's just the very part of the life. These brings about my maturity in Him. I need to grow. I need to focus. I need to be brave and strong. I wish I can.