As the title suggests, I'm coming back to this platform to find back my passion for writing.
But I think things are quite different these days as I haven't seriously write my blog for almost 7 years? Even prior to that, my frequency to blog kinda slowed down you know?
The past 7-8 years hasn't been the easiest for me. I was down with anxiety and depression. And it's been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've withdrawn myself from my friends. Because to then, I became this negative, self-absorbing, complaining person after getting married. The truth be told, I struggled with insomnia for almost a good 11-12 years now.
Looking at my surrounding folks, they have all grown in their careers, moved on with their lives, and here I am still wallowing in my past hurts and pains. Maybe some of them will simply say, "Just let go of that bitterness, and stop dwelling on the past..." but like seriously, you think I don't want to let go?
And to reflect Kow, these friends are pretty much done in my life. One of them always say this to me on my birthday, "Happy birthday, let me bring you out to eat something nice one of these days..." but it will never happen. And this has been going on for years...
Another will say, "let's catch up soon..." bit this statement means if possible, let's not meet up too soon.
Promises are vain. People stop respecting promises. They don't fulfil them. The words that they promise became passing remarks.
With social media, people just want to stalk your life and when they see pictures you post, they might possibly assume that your life is good. They want to hear about the good stuff but don't want the bad. Your challenges, struggles soon became nuisance to them. Your negativity is annoyance. They became successful in their paths and chose to only befriend those who will benefit them, spur them on, inspires them. They will never have time for you.
And that being said, even if we occasionally meet up, they will always say this... "your place is so far away... Can move nearer to town?" but really, first and foremost, Singapore ain't big to begin with and I seldom complain about having to meet u guys on the central area and you guys wants me to move nearer to town to accommodate you folks? What a joke! As if I move to centralised area and you guys will meet me more often. Only a fool will believe that!
I'm tired of accommodating others. Listening to the same old jokes. Talking about the past.
Actually, who will really bother to care? Seriously like no one. All are but passing remarks.
These days, everything and almost everyone are superficial. Who's real and who's fake? Sometimes people around just want to take advantage of you all the time.
I think this life is gonna be really short for me. I just know it. Because I'm too tired to live a long life cos its just too painful right now.
This is such a beautiful song, a song which always ministers to me. Indeed, the Lord is our Shepherd. He will guide us and lead us to walk this narrow path of life, whether mountain highs or valley lows, He will give us enough grace to walk through this journey. His hand is always there to hold us and we will never be in lack of his love. God is never changing and He is our everlasting Father, till eternity.
Throughout these years, the thought of finding true friends to talk about what I am struggling with is always confusing. I didn't know who else can I go to anymore. It's like really tough to find someone who bothers to listen to me, without judging me for who I am.
A friend that I got to know in 2011 became one of those that I can truly share my life with. She saw how I struggled with my job search
Thank you Yi-Tinn. This post is dedicated to you. If one day, I leave this earth to heavens before you, please know that I love you sis and I look forward to spending time with you in eternity.
It's been 4 years since I left my full time job. And it's been a roller coaster ride for the past 4 years. The many emotions turmoil and stepping into the whole world of unknown left me scarred and bitter. This journey perhaps gave me a whole new perspective of what life is all about. Been jobless and searching for a whole new career caused me to see so many things differently.
When times are good, friends are all around you. When times are bad, they flee in all directions. Those who stay are truly the ones who care. They might not be able to listen to me rant all the time but they bothered to lunch with me, talk to me and be the cheerleaders in my life.
It is true that when one gets older, the circle of friends shrink (at least for me it's true). No matter how hard you try to win them back, even when you are on the brink of depression, it seems just so fruitless.
No one loves to spend time with someone facing ordeals, feeling emotional and defeated all the time. Many times, I have put up a strong front, trying to be all strong and ok but the matter of fact is that I am not. The only friend that I can truly cry in front of is that sister that has been with me in this journey since 4 years back. God is not forgetful at all because He remembered to send me an angelic friend, who bothers to meet me up for dinner once every 3 months and prays for me when we meet. She listens to me without judgement and empathises with my situation.
This journey of job search is a journey of faith. It is a tough journey especially when I need to trust God for His plan in my life. Many times, I wanted to give up. I sunken into that deep pit and refused to get out but yet God in His gracious ways, pull me out of that hole.
My heart is truly weak, and my body is wearing out day by day. That depression gets to me time to time. I wish that I can open up my heart like before but the betrayals and backstabbing in the past have gave me no courage to do so. Only the handful I share with are the ones that I courageously share with.
Dear Papa God, do You really know the pain that I'm going through now? Can You lift me up again?? It's been a while since I experience mountain tops with You. I need Your filling up because my tank has been empty for far too long.
I think about my regrets all the time in my life. Regrets of the past. Regrets of not doing something well. Regrets of saying some stuff that shouldn't be said. Regrets of making decisions that shouldn't be made. Regrets of not being diplomatoc enough. Regrets of being too kind to others and being too harsh to myself. Regrets of not working hard enough for my life.
Regrets, regrets. So much regrets that i think i am falling into depression.
I know that all these regrets cannot be undone. But i can make sure that i don't make further regrets any longer.
I felt stupid at times. I question God at times. I asked Him why... Why did i serve God so hard and neglect my poly education? Why didn't i make a wiser choice on my course of studies? Why did i listen to my leaders and not make a choice of my own? Why did i put in so much time in serving God and yet i lost connection with all my friends?
Have you forsaken me and let me wander in the desert for the past 4 years? Do You know that my heart yearns to be healed of these pains, heartaches and loneliness? Why is it so difficult to just find someone that understands me? I couldn't connect all these anymore.
Sometimes, the thought of dying seems to be a better option. To end all these pain that people around me gave to me. To be free from all these worries and yearning to be accepted.
I think the problem perhaps lies with me and not others. That's what they think about me. What i have become today is all because of my own being.
Some people think that i have backslided... Perhaps i really did.
Why can't people truly understand my heart for God? Why do they have to kill me again and again? Why?
I feel so so dejected that i really wish that i can go to heavens now. To a place with no pain and tears. And to have God's love and angels all around me. To enjoy myself without any worries anymore.
After a long wait of 3 years plus, since we last applied for our flat, the journey has been long and winding. Our BTO flat is finally coming to an end soon. It has finally reached the final stage of painting, internal installation etc.
Since the construction company started the ground work in May 2011, we have been visiting the site almost every few months or so. The hope to own a place of our own is becoming more and more realistic.
Throughout the last 2 years, there have been countless frustrations, arguments, misunderstandings etc. Living under one roof with my in-laws is indeed not an easy task. The environment is complicated and sometimes, it makes me wonder if they have treated me like one of their own.
Nevertheless, the past 3 years have been an emotional roller coaster for me. The ups and the downs, or should I say that they are mostly downs. And the matter and the fact that I often have this thinking that I have kind of lost faith in people. But well, there is never a day when people can be trusted because we all change along the journey in life. Our values change, our character changes, our personality changes.
I have changed too. I find it really difficult to open up my life to people nowadays. For fear that they will judge me, criticize me, reject me and put me down. It is hard to find one friend who accepts you for who you are.
As one ages, it is suffice to just have that few friends. It will be more than enough. Even if it meant to have one, it will be so great!
And I thank God that He has never treated me like one that is unworthy of Him. He loves and cares for me. I know that I am still in lack of my relationship with Him but He never fails to take opportunities to speak into my life. He is more than able to love me and care for me. What more should I ask?
I need Christ to do a new work in my life. Show me grace to change for the better. Loving people is simply tough but if Christ has shown me that He has loved me, I will try my best to love His lost sheep back.
After being married for 2 years 8 monthd 7 days (or to be exact 981 days), I can't really testify that my marriage is full of love, hugs and kisses. In fact, this marriage that I'm in is often filled with confusion, communication breakdowns and conflicts.
My husband is one person that many girls often dream to marry. He's not tall, dark n maybe a little good looking. But he often takes care of every little thing in my life. He massages me when my shoulders and neck ache like forever. He gives me medication when I'm unwell. He waits for me to finish my dinner dates with my girlfriends so that he can fetch me home. He gave me allowance to spend when I was jobless and have no income at all. He comforts me when I am down and out, when no other friend bothered to find out my well being (cos I think everyone assumed that I am happily married and friends are no longer a neccessity in my life).
I thought to myself what a blessing that God has given me, a wonderful husband and partner for life.
But things ain't always so beautiful and wonderful. I am one person that finds difficulty expressing my thoughts when come to serious stuff. I find it so challenging to convey my mind across to him. His brain is obviously different from mine. He thinks every moment, he's logical, he put things across in a very structured, objective and detailed manner. And this is so different from me.
I am random, unstructured, always missing out details, unable to put things across in an objective manner. In other words, my emotions always get the better of me.
So how? How can we communicate in such a way that my thoughts are being heard. I always grumble in my head that he never understands me and in his own world of thoughts, I find it difficult to venture in there to understand him too. Why is communication so difficult?
I know I shouldn't think like this but sometimes I really feel like giving up on this whole marriage thingy, giving up on my life because I find no reason to live anymore. It seemed that the moment I left the church that I was born in, all friendships came to an end. Ya... they are still friends on my Facebook, but seriously, are these really friendships in the first place?
I struggled in job hunting for the longest time. I went through a period of depression. I couldn't sleep every single night. Waking up in nightmares, finding myself a victim to office politics. An ex-colleague whom I was quite close to told me off and ask me to stop complaining. But who knows that my world is slowly tumbling down.
Now that I have a job that does financial planning, I thought that friends will support and help. But seriously, when you become a financial planner, you have no friends any more. Almost everyone avoids you as if you are some kind of walking zombie around. Some friends said that they will meet you but they never did. Some others said that they will help you but they never did.
But I am still thankful that some were willing to help me not so much because they want to but they do see the value.
At the end of the day, perhaps this life that I live is not the life that God promised to give me. how much longer should I continue to suffer in shame and ridicule? I am almost giving up. I can't find fulfilment anywhere.
Perhaps I should just end it one day? Perhaps I really should.
I was looking at some songs that I used to worship the Lord in my previous church and this song came into my mind... I listened to it on youtube and I was really ministered by it... How great God is!! He is the author and perfector of our faith, our beginning and the end. Everything we do is all because of Him!
Just wanted to take this post to thank God for the changes that have been taking place constantly for the last 2 months. Since December, I registered for the first financial paper M9 with a financial institution. Not knowing that M9 is one of the toughest papers which are required to be qualified to be a financial consultant, I was almost stunned when I heard all the feedback from others, how many have to repeatedly do their papers for 2 to 3 rounds in order to pass. Although it was really tough, I did what I could to study on my own, do the mock exam papers on my own etc. And yes, I did postpone the date of exam once cos I wasn't sure if I can finish the studying by the date of exam.
And yes, I managed to clear the paper with God's grace on 18 Jan. And thereafter, I did M5 and M9A quickly and all 3 exams were cleared within less than 2months. But what is most interesting is this, I failed M9A once and have to retake the paper in a week's time. M9A is tougher than M9 to me, even though the textbook is the slimmest out of all textbooks.
Anyway today will be internal company's test on products and compliance. Pray that God will be with me as I take the test, open-book test. jiayou jiayou! :))
When people say that they have mid-life crisis, it meant that they are either facing a dilemma in their career, family or perhaps they just don't know why they are having a mid-life crisis. Well, I'm in my early 30s, not too old but the mid-life crisis (MLC) came in kinda way in advance.
God really knows how to slow me down and speed me up. Months ago, I walked through the valley of depressive moments, not knowing why I have to resign from a job just because of some stupid politics within the office, with some ladies that are always bitching around... and of cos, I've been influenced to bitch around too, as I'm so easily succumbed to people's influence, especially when they are majority..., (:( I've since then repented)...
Then after 6 months, I thought I found a job that God has prepared for me. Indeed, I think He did prepared that for me as a platform to discover what I can be good in and what I have in my potential. A sales job that pushed me to some sort of limits, especially in my physical health, my back took a toil as the pain was tremendously intolerable. Thus, after a short 3 months of stay there, I left.
So many short stays, and in HR terms, I'm a job hopper. I can't stay and I can't go through the stretching moments in a company. But well, I know that I am not a job hopper and it just seems that since graduating from poly till now, things have not been looking good in terms of company prospects or remuneration except for one medical company that hired me and gave me really good bonus. But why did I leave that good paying company? Well, all because of that P word again.
So after the toiling of almost a year and a half of finding jobs, sending resumes and seeing countless number of headhunters whom majority were not keen to find me a job but just to hit their sales targets (actually to be frank, I think good headhunters are going to extinct soon), I have decided to switch my career after major considerations of my strengths, weaknesses and of cos, my family.
Many interviews really put me off on the spot. The questions that they ask, which becomes the very important part of whether you will get the job anot, is this "Are you planning to start a family soon?". Well, many of these interviewers are perhaps married with kids and families, and minority are those that are still single and swinging on the shelves... but to me, isn't it true that it is a privilege to fall in love, get married? But why is "setting up a family", especially in the case of a lady in SINGAPORE so difficult? Many companies, big or small, MNCs or SMEs, do not want to hire someone who is most likely to become a mum. So why did their mums gave birth to them so that they can refuse someone at interview, someone who wants to have kids? Kids are lovely isn't it? So does it mean that they prefer to work with foreign talents then to work with their own kind?
So what am I going to switch to in my career after complaining so much about the anti-pregnancy climate in Singapore? Yup, that's it. I'm going to be Financial Planner. When I shared this decision with many friends, some really supported me and said that I will be able to do well since I have such a pleasant personality and I do have a huge network of friends. But some simply said things like, "Please don't ask me to buy insurance from you... I'm broke...". Seriously, I have been one of those that had that mentality too. But to me, it is of cos extra joy and happiness to me if friends around me support me by buying policies from me, what pains me the most is friends that you know for years snug at you sarcastically, whether purposely anot.
I don't know people to buy huge policies from me, but at least offer me some kind encouragement, since I have been in and out of jobs, and it takes me great courage to do this job do you know that? Importantly, I do have my own goals, values to abide in when I work out this career. I want to be excellent, purposeful and help people to see the value of insurance as a form of protection for their lives. Healthcare, families, work, etc... we are faced with so many uncertainties today. But insurance offers protection in case of the unexpected happens. of cos, I pray that God will not bring upon any mishaps upon any of my friends. But what if something happens, what will happen to your parents and your families? Who will take care of them? Who will provide for them? I have also been a victim of parents who were unable to provide me with education and at the age of 30, I was still trying to pay off my part-time degree loan with a slightly good salary. But why make all these things difficult for your kids when you can learn to plan in advance.
I know what I want to do and I want to do it well.
I just pray that God will honor me in my work as I honor Him by doing my best in my job, helping people to save, protect and plan for their future.
Of cos, I think I will struggle with emotions as I have to deal loads of rejections perhaps.
But God will add on to me strength as I persevere, won't He? And yes I know He will.
PTL in all that He is going to do!!
Proverbs 30:25
Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer
I know I am a little late since this trend started last year but I still wanna talk about it!!
I studied Marketing and I always know that sampling is pretty much a traditional marketing tactic for marketers but it never occured to me that to make consumers pay for samples will bring about much excitement and genuine trials for the samples, which may in turn bring about a huge success of getting consumers to purchase the products at the end at their websites!
Beauty Box
In Singapore, there are already 3 players in the market, which gives consumers the privilege of subscribing to their monthly beauty boxes - Bellabox, Vanity Trove and Glamabox. Of course, with that subsciption, you will have to something to look towards to every month, a box full of surprises that awaiting you! Well, frankly speaking, which lady doesn't like surprises?
Bellabox works with huge brands like Nuxe, Anna Sui, Ahava, Kiehl's, Lancome Shu Umera etc and every month, you will get 5 prestige items from these premium brands at a monthly subscription fee of $19.95. Pretty box, pretty premium!
As for Vanity Trove, I came across it when I was shopping at Watsons one day and was given one box when I checkout my items. Upon returning home, I realised that it was one full box of samples, mostly very small sachets of items. The brands are the main stream brands like Bio-oil, Biore, Bio-Essence, Ebene, Ginvera etc. However, when I was surfing through their website, I realised that the subscribers get to receive items from brands such as La Mer, Belif, Clarins, BRTC etc. And it looked like they have a lot of make-up range as well. For a monthly suscription of $25 and you will receive 6-8 treats to pamper yourself!
Glamabox, started by Lisa S., offers a box of products ranging from make-up, skin care to beauty tools that help you to be pretty all the way! What's more is that the subscription fee is only $18 per month and you get to receive 5 items customised just for you in a box, which promises to make you glamorous!
Myself, I am planning to subscribe to one of these soon... guess which one is it going to be?? :p
Yesterday was my third or fourth time serving in upperlight worship ministry! It was amazing how God used all of our giftings and talents to be put into good use for His Kingdom! Personally I'm a believer of serving God in the right ministry with the right calling and of cos the right gifting. And worship has always been one of them.
In fact, I have lately prayed about asking the Lord to purify my heart and revive my desire to serve God in the area of worship. And of cos, with this desire to worship God, I know that it can also be used to fulfill the evangelism bit. I know that In every single human being's inner most soul has a desire to worship God but because of our sins, everything seems to be covered by layers of sins and rebellion. Worship can be a channel to share the gospel and to touch the pple. :) thus, worship evangelism will be a ministry that I hope that God can use me in.
More than anything else, God's main purpose for our lives will always be to love Him and the people around us. I hope to be a child that is obedient to His calling.
Oh mine!! God has to do this to me once and for all... For the pas 1 week plus, I have met up with not just one, two but five friends!!
I think these meet ups are not just purely chit chatting... gossiping about others or sharing about the latest achievements in life but to simply share lives.
A few things in common during these dates with my friends:
Openess
Acceptance
Encouragement
Prayer
Genuine Love
How I wish that I can have more of this kind of friendships in life. They are simply authentic and real. No judgement, no hidden agendas, no hi & byes...
I'm 31 this year and I am still learning about being a true friend to people around. But of course, I have also learnt a lot more about the very fact that no one can have everyone as friends. In fact, I wrote in my Facebook status recently about this lesson that I have learnt and am still learning to unfold:
"Acquaintances are many, few are called friends and you can count with one hand those that are your soul-mates. Not the married kind of soul-mates but those that know you and accept you from the inside out, just like how God does it. They may fail at times but they will never leave you nor forsake you in times of troubles." So what does the bible says about friendships?? Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Smiles! I am such a bad friend at times but I am beginning to be a better one. :)
Today is the official one month after I left my job of medical sales rep. Somehow, I was beginning to find it difficult to go through the journey of looking for a job again.
In fact, when resting at home, it can get rather mentally straining when u don't have a focus, a goal or a purpose, helping you to feel valuable. Perhaps, I have been finding my values in all the wrong places, instead of in Christ.
So when hubby came home today, I was so happy and glad. At least he found me not jut sleeping and lazing around. I was reading up some Reno tips for our new home that is still building its way up. In fact, I am still not so hopeless after all.
We had dinner at KFC (what a sinful meal indeed!!) and thereafter, we found ourselves idling around at Popular! Yes we love Popular (not because we want to... Haha...). Found myself looking at recipe books once again, with all the bakery, desserts and cooking recipes enticing me to buy them! But I guess that I won't be a good cook after all... It may take me 5 years to be a slightly better chef.
After sometime, I picked up a book call Chicken Soup for the Soul - The Power of Positive. I read one of these during my secondary school days but eventually I gave them up cos I don't see the relevance. Today, this book gave me a hard stare. Yes it stared at me instead of me at it. Lol... I guess that God wants me to be positive once more. I've lost that fighting spirit to be positive for a long time. After going through a very terrible time few years ago, I just lost it. I am now such a bitter, angry and dissatisfied soul and I am fighting hard with my strength not to be so.
I pray that this book will inspire me on and yes, I know that the bible will be an even better encourager as it will seek to mold and shape my life eventually.
