Thursday, June 25, 2015
I think about my regrets all the time in my life. Regrets of the past. Regrets of not doing something well. Regrets of saying some stuff that shouldn't be said. Regrets of making decisions that shouldn't be made. Regrets of not being diplomatoc enough. Regrets of being too kind to others and being too harsh to myself. Regrets of not working hard enough for my life.
Regrets, regrets. So much regrets that i think i am falling into depression.
I know that all these regrets cannot be undone. But i can make sure that i don't make further regrets any longer.
I felt stupid at times. I question God at times. I asked Him why... Why did i serve God so hard and neglect my poly education? Why didn't i make a wiser choice on my course of studies? Why did i listen to my leaders and not make a choice of my own? Why did i put in so much time in serving God and yet i lost connection with all my friends?
Have you forsaken me and let me wander in the desert for the past 4 years? Do You know that my heart yearns to be healed of these pains, heartaches and loneliness? Why is it so difficult to just find someone that understands me? I couldn't connect all these anymore.
Sometimes, the thought of dying seems to be a better option. To end all these pain that people around me gave to me. To be free from all these worries and yearning to be accepted.
I think the problem perhaps lies with me and not others. That's what they think about me. What i have become today is all because of my own being.
Some people think that i have backslided... Perhaps i really did.
Why can't people truly understand my heart for God? Why do they have to kill me again and again? Why?
I feel so so dejected that i really wish that i can go to heavens now. To a place with no pain and tears. And to have God's love and angels all around me. To enjoy myself without any worries anymore.