faithtricia's steps of faith

Monday, August 19, 2013

Perhaps

After being married for 2 years 8 monthd 7 days (or to be exact 981 days), I can't really testify that my marriage is full of love, hugs and kisses. In fact, this marriage that I'm in is often filled with confusion, communication breakdowns and conflicts.

My husband is one person that many girls often dream to marry. He's not tall, dark n maybe a little good looking. But he often takes care of every little thing in my life. He massages me when my shoulders and neck ache like forever. He gives me medication when I'm unwell. He waits for me to finish my dinner dates with my girlfriends so that he can fetch me home. He gave me allowance to spend when I was jobless and have no income at all. He comforts me when I am down and out, when no other friend bothered to find out my well being (cos I think everyone assumed that I am happily married and friends are no longer a neccessity in my life).

I thought to myself what a blessing that God has given me,  a wonderful husband and partner for life.

But things ain't always so beautiful and wonderful. I am one person that finds difficulty expressing my thoughts when come to serious stuff. I find it so challenging to convey my mind across to him. His brain is obviously different from mine. He thinks every moment, he's logical, he put things across in a very structured, objective and detailed manner. And this is so different from me.

I am random, unstructured, always missing out details, unable to put things across in an objective manner.  In other words, my emotions always get the better of me.

So how? How can we communicate in such a way that my thoughts are being heard. I always grumble in my head that he never understands me and in his own world of thoughts,  I find it difficult to venture in there to understand him too. Why is communication so difficult? 

I know I shouldn't think like this but sometimes I really feel like giving up on this whole marriage thingy, giving up on my life because I find no reason to live anymore. It seemed that the moment I left the church that I was born in, all friendships came to an end. Ya... they are still friends on my Facebook, but seriously, are these really friendships in the first place?

I struggled in job hunting for the longest time. I went through a period of depression. I couldn't sleep every single night. Waking up in nightmares, finding myself a victim to office politics. An ex-colleague whom I was quite close to told me off and ask me to stop complaining.  But who knows that my world is slowly tumbling down.

Now that I have a job that does financial planning, I thought that friends will support and help. But seriously, when you become a financial planner, you have no friends any more. Almost everyone avoids you as if you are some kind of walking zombie around. Some friends said that they will meet you but they never did. Some others said that they will help you but they never did.

But I am still thankful that some were willing to help me not so much because they want to but they do see the value.

At the end of the day, perhaps this life that I live is not the life that God promised to give me.  how much longer should I continue to suffer in shame and ridicule? I am almost giving up.  I can't find fulfilment anywhere. 

Perhaps I should just end it one day? Perhaps I really should.

by Tricia at 12:18 AM |