faithtricia's steps of faith

Thursday, May 29, 2025

Journaling again...

It's been years since I last wrote an entry for my blog. So much has changed since I left my first church and got married. I have moved from one stage of life to another, one church to another, one job to another. Life hasn't been smooth all this while but I thank God that LX has been a wonderful hubby and support to me.

For most of the nights when I couldn't sleep, when I kept crying for the regrets and mistakes in my life, the relationships that I didn't manage to keep or sustain, hubby was there. I remember once in 2016, hubby went to Myanmar for a business trip and I was all alone at home. I was crying non-stop and the thought of jumping gripped me. I shivered in fear. My window grills weren't locked. The thought of ending my life kept coming back to me. My rational mind told me to lock the grills and I did. The emotional mind questioned me of my worth and if life is still meaningful for me to live on.

I couldn't bring myself to meet anybody. I was in pain. I suffered alone in silence in that dark living room, crying to myself, thinking about how I have been such a failure in life.

Fast forward till today, I am still in fear of failures, tired of my life and how friends are isolating me one by one. Some may say that I was the one who chose to distant myself from them. Yes, it is true. It is my way of protecting myself from further emotional and mental damages.

I used to be such a sociable person but today I fear people. I was made use of by friends ( I mean really good friends) time and again. Time and again, I gave in to meeting them near their homes, because I fear losing them in my life. But in my heart, I kept thinking of why they have never tried to meet nearer to my home. Perhaps, it's because I am not working so I can afford to travel more, But I yearn for the day when my friends think about my needs too.

In church, I used to think that the community that I was in is my spiritual family. But lo and behold, some of them didn't want to spend time with me. I remember once a sister told me that we should go celebrate with other sisters because I have cleared my mammogram scans. But my other friend was trying to signal to her that she didn't want to attend such an occasion. Hence, there was no celebration, no time spent together. The friends whom I thought were dear sisters to me, did not want to spend time with me. Perhaps, it's my arrogance, my ignorance or my "authenticity" that turned them off. I have learnt that when someone tells you that we have achieved a certain level of relationship and that I can be free to share anything, don't take it literally. Because when I really open up my heart to share, I will become the most vulnerable to hurts and disappointments. I couldn't understand this until recent years.

Some people who say that they are your closest friends, tend to be the ones that judge you the most in your actions, words and behaviour.

It is true that my mental health has taken a toil and I need help to get better. Just hope that the upcoming therapy session will be helpful.

signing off...